Five Stages of Mourning
The stages of mourning are universal and
are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an
individual's own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal.
There are five stages of normal grief.
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time
working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages
do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more
peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to
achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your pet might inspire you to evaluate
your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As
long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
- Denial and Isolation: The first reaction to learning of
terminal illness or death of a cherished pet is to deny the reality of the situation. It
is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that
buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a
temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
- Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation
begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is
deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger
may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be
directed at our dying or deceased pet. Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed.
Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel
guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry. The veterinarian who diagnosed
the illness and was unable to cure the disease, or who performed euthanasia of the pet,
might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every
day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who
grieve for them. Do not hesitate to ask your veterinarian to give you extra time or to
explain just once more the details of your pet's illness. Arrange a special appointment or
ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions
regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Discuss the cost of treatment. Discuss burial
arrangements. Understand the options available to you. Take your time. Both you and your
veterinarian will find that honest and open communication now are an invaluable long-term
- Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of
helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If only we had sought
medical attention sooner. If we got a second opinion from another doctor. If we changed
our pet's diet, maybe it will get well. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our
higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to
protect us from the painful reality.
- Depression: Two types of depression are associated with
mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss.
Sadness and regret predominate. We worry about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry
that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may
be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation
and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense,
perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our pet farewell.
Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
- Acceptance: Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not
afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our
anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to
deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and
calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear to go
through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware
of their own mortality, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar
response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social
interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their
last gift to us.
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